Holiday Gifts when Parents are Divorced

How can mothers and fathers who parent apart approach holiday giving?


The University of Minnesota Extension suggests that, when possible, both parents should communicate with each other about their child's wants and needs. Wants are those things she says she can't live without, but you know aren't necessary, such as a new video game. Needs on the other hand, are things that are necessary to have - a new jacket, underwear, clothes that fit and a host of other items that chip away at the family budget.

Once the wants and needs are determined, the parents can decide who will purchase which items from both lists. Balancing wants and needs is also much easier on each parent's budget - and children will benefit from having some of the items they have on their wish list and others they will use every day. Sometimes a child's needs are different at each household. In this case, the child may want to make a list for each parent of what they wish for and the parents may decide individually what to give.

Parents who parent apart can and do encounter pitfalls. Trying to be the parent who spends the most money on your children's gifts can turn giving into a contest where each parent tries to out-do the other with lavish and not very useful gifts. This is no gift for your child - giving your child too much, too soon, that doesn't meet their real needs, is a set up for overindulgence. You won’t win this war!

Criticizing the other parent's gift challenges your child's sense of loyalty to the other parent. When a child can't enjoy a gift because of your hostility, you are undermining your child's relationship with both of you. Be supportive, even if you don't share their excitement.

Sometimes gifts are specific to a particular household, and should stay there. However this isn't always the case. Remember, the gift is your child’s and they should be able to enjoy it at both homes. This is particularly true when the gift helps comfort your child.

It’s not always easy communicating with your child’s other parent, but it’s certainly worth the effort!

Handling Divorce Emotionally

Children can become frightened and feel helpless if their security is threatened. They depend on their parents to be emotionally stable. As while it can be scary and sad for parents to divorce, it is extra scary for children to see their parents emotionally out of control.

How parents handle a divorce will dramatically affect how their children will react and, in turn, adjust to the divorce. Children become what they experience and they reflect the behavior of their parents.

If parents handle their divorce maturely and encourage the child’s involvement with the other parent, children can grow up with low levels of conflict. How well parents handle their emotions when around their children, and how capable they are of relating to each other, determines how their children will manage the transition to a new family dynamic.

If you know a couple with minor children who are divorcing, give them this link for information on the Divorce class that is required for a divorce involving minor children in the State of Florida: http://hillsboroughfcs.ifas.ufl.edu/DivorceClasses.html

Helping Children Cope with Divorce

All children feel a strong sense of loss when parents separate or divorce. It is not unusual for children of any age to rebel, misbehave, or become withdrawn. They cannot understand all the issues involved in a divorce, and may feel confused, frightened and worried.

If you are going through a divorce, be aware of your child’s losses and offer them the support they need. Divorce is a transition that usually last one or two years - before, during and after the divorce.

Whether you are the residential or non residential parent, start by reassuring your children that you love them and that they are not to blame for the divorce. Encourage them to share their questions and any feelings they may have about the divorce, listen and be patient. Sometimes it may be difficult to focus on your children as you go through your own transition, but parenting in a loving, attentive way is one of the most important things you can do.

In addition, provide a safe, warm and loving environment in the homes of both parents, if possible. Have children keep clothing and personal items in both places so they feel a sense of belonging and don’t need to pack a suitcase or backpack every time they transfer from one home to another. Find some books at the library that talk about divorce appropriate for your child’s level of understanding and read them together.

Don’t depend on your children for emotional support. Instead, seek out help from friends, family or a professional counselor. Children are counting on their parents to care for themselves as well as they care for their children.

Divorce and Children

In the past several decades, family researchers have given a great deal of attention to how divorce affects children. Although there is agreement that divorce can have many negative impacts on children, researchers have also identified qualities of what some call a “good” divorce.

Results from a recent study conducted by Elizabeth Marquardt, affiliate scholar at the Institute for American Values, and Norval Glenn, a sociologist at the University of Texas-Austin, have generated a great deal of media interest – and controversy. Marquardt, argues that children of divorce have to navigate the beliefs and values of two very different households after divorce, and this creates inner conflict and fundamentally restructures their childhood.

Through surveys of 1500 18-35 year olds, the researchers found that even when children experienced what might be considered a "good" divorce, one where parents cooperate in child rearing matters after divorce, they often do worse than children of unhappy low-conflict marriages. I'm a bit skeptical of this. I would think that it's better to grow up in a happy household, than an unhappy one - even a low-conflict one. But I guess it depends on the individuals involved.

In contrast, other research conducted by sociology professor Constance Ahrons at the University of Southern California, found that as young adults, children of divorce grew up to be “stronger and wiser,” and that the majority believed that their parent’s divorce had positive outcomes for their parents AND for themselves.

Many scholars agree that the best thing for children is a happy household - or households. We do know that when two parents learn to co-parent, which means working together as a team to raise their children, the benefits are long lasting for everyone.

I now offer the "Parents, Children and Divorce" parenting class, required by the State of Florida when minor children are involved. This class offers ideas for co-parenting and helping your child through the divorce. For information and to register, pleae visit my webpage: http://hillsboroughfcs.ifas.ufl.edu/DivorceClasses.html


Sources
Ahrons, Constance R., Social Work; Nov80, Vol. 25 Issue 6, p437-441, 5p 1980
Amato, Paul R., Family Relations; Oct2003, Vol. 52 Issue 4, p332-339, 8p, 5 graphs

Amato, Paul R., “The Consequences of Divorce for Adults and Children,” from “Families in Transition” 12th Edition (2003). Person Education, Inc., Boston, MA
Ahrons, Constance, (2004)

We're Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents' Divorce, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., New York, NY