Self-centered Children

No parent has to be reminded that young children are self-centered. Very self-centered! Toddlers and preschoolers (and many early elementary-age children) cannot yet understand how others feel. In reality, how other people feel is not important to them. The fact that they think only of themselves is a developmental behavior and it’s completely normal and appropriate.

Young children are still in the process of learning about self-concept and grasping what it means to be an individual “self” that differentiates them from the rest of the people in the world around them. They want everything they see, they have a difficult time sharing without being told to share, and they have a hard time controlling their emotions when things don’t go their way.

Until about the age of 6 or 7, most children continue to be self-centered. However, they can learn about other people’s feelings with practice. Parents can help by talking about feelings – whether good or bad. “When you hit your brother, it hurts him and makes him feel sad. Do not hit your brother.” Or “I like the way you picked up your toys. That makes me happy.”

Talk about feelings, but don’t punish them for their feelings. Be consistent in how you react to their feelings and be very consistent in how you discipline them for their behavior.

Winning Isn't Everything

Organized sports provide teens with a great opportunity for learning important skills and values. As a parent, the first step is finding the right sport and the right team or coach for your teen. Consider some reasons teens want to be involved in organized sports:

 Does the sport offer all players a chance to succeed, participate, and develop skills?

 Does it offer my teen a chance to have fun and be with friends?

When coaches and parents emphasize playing their best, never giving up, learning new skills, and having fun over scoring more points, youth begin to develop positive values about winning and losing. By seeing adult role models encourage team members to do their best and support each other and accepting each player’s abilities and limitations, teens learn respect for others.

Here are some tips for how your family can make the most out of opportunities to participate in sports activities:

 Discuss how family members can set realistic goals.

 Help your child develop a lifelong commitment to an active lifestyle.

 Encourage your child to play because he or she enjoys it.

 Allow your child to be involved in the decision making around sports. Support your child’s decisions.

 Encourage your child to try various physical activities.

 Consider the age and personality of each child. Families may need to increase efforts to manage competition and its impact on a youth’s development.

A healthy balance of competition, cooperation, and having fun is important whether the child is competing with himself or against others. Parents and caring adults need to work at creating an environment in which teens can compete in a healthy way.

TV and Very Young Children

Television is a huge part of family life in the United States. Most households have three or more televisions and in the average American home, the television is on about six hours a day.

Television is a big part of children’s lives, too. Recent research conducted by the Kaiser Family Foundation (2005) found that nearly 60% of children under the age of two watch TV on a typical day for an average of two hours each day. Nearly 40% of children ages six and under live in a house where the TV is “always or mostly” on, even if no one is watching.

For years, television programming for children was aimed at preschoolers and older children. Research showed that some educational programs could help three, four and five year old children build their vocabulary and develop language and thinking skills.

New programs are now targeting toddlers and even infants. Current research shows that children under the age of two do pay attention to programs that are made for them, but that babies and toddlers do not seem to learn much from TV, while they do learn more from live interactions with people. In fact, watching TV or having TV on in the background may even interfere with a child’s cognitive development and ability to focus.

Researchers admit that not much is known about the impacts of media on the very youngest children, and certainly more research is needed. But in the meantime, parents who want their children to watch TV may want to choose high-quality educational programs and make sure to balance these with time for just plain playing and talking together. That’s how young children learn best.

Children and Pesticides

Children act fast; so do poisons, including pesticides. The very products we use in and around our homes can actually harm a child's health if stored or used improperly, allowing exposure to potentially highly toxic substances.

A variety of assorted household chemical products are found in the home, some containing pesticides, such as ant and roach sprays and baits, rat poisons, lawn and garden pesticides, flea and tick shampoos and powders. Many additional products have potential to cause harm, particularly to children such as household cleaners, bath and kitchen disinfectants, automotive products, mold and mildew products and swimming pool chemicals.

According to the U.S. Poison Control Centers, a call about someone having been exposed to a poison occurs every 13 seconds. Nearly forty percent of those cases involve a child less than three years of age. In its 2008 annual report, the American Association of Poison Centers, indicated that children younger than 3 years were involved in 38.7% of exposures, and children younger than 6 years accounted for half of all human exposures. In addition, poison center data reported over 70,000 calls made to poison centers with concerns about exposure to common household pesticides. These are only the reported incidences. Also in its 2008 annual report, AAPC stated that from the nearly 2.5 million calls it received reporting exposure, more than 90% of the incidents had occurred in a residence.

Children are curious by nature, but they also spend time outdoors where pesticides may be present on lawns and play equipment; they crawl on carpeted floors that may have been treated with pesticides; they play with pets that may have been treated; and, they engage in frequent hand-to-mouth contact. Compared to adults, children's nervous, immune, digestive, and other bodily systems are still developing, making them less able to metabolize, detoxify, and excrete pollutants.

Preventing children from pesticide exposure in the home environment does not require an elaborate plan. Some simple, common sense, recommendations include the following:

Always read the pesticide product’s label first. All labels are required to bear the statement “KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN,” but strict attention should be given to the entirety of label directions.

Never leave products, application equipment, or contaminated protective gear unattended.

Use child-resistant packaging properly and re-close if interrupted during use.

Never transfer and store pesticides into other containers, such as those used for food and drink.

Always store pesticides and other potentially harmful household products in a locked cabinet, closet, locker, or garden shed.

Remove children, pets, and their toys before applying pesticides to any area. Most product labels will state to keep out of treated areas until sprays have dried. Some labels may contain additional directions for washing food-processing surfaces and utensils prior to reuse if applicable.

Teaching kids how to make and keep friends

Kids who know how to make friends tend to be happier throughout their lives. Research shows that children can learn the skills they need to make and keep friends. Some kids need more help than others learning these skills.

First, teach your child to use common courtesy. Kids who have a lot of friends are thoughtful of others. They say things like “Excuse me” or “Thanks” a lot.

Kids who make friends easily are also willing to cooperate with others. If other children are playing a game, they are willing to join in and follow the same game rules. They don’t always have to get their own way.

As a parent, you can serve as a role model for your child. Let him see you spending time with your friends. If you are helping a friend, say’ “Friends help each other when they need it.”

You can also help your child learn to consider his or her friend’s opinions, likes and dislikes. You might say, “What is Tom’s favorite subject in school?”

Help your child learn how to disagree with someone while still respecting them. You do that when you calmly correct your child. You do it when you insist that your children talk about their disagreements, too.

For more information on helping children to develop friendships download: http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/pdffiles/FY/FY54500.pdf.

How do cohabiting couples with children spend money?

More and more couples are choosing to cohabit at least some time in their adult lives, and researchers and policy makers are looking more closely at the costs and benefits of cohabitation for couples and children. A recent study in the Journal of Marriage and Family investigated whether cohabiting couples were similar or different than other family types in the way they spend their money.

Using data from over 45,000 U.S. families who took part in the consumer expenditure survey, researchers from Michigan State University and University of Chicago found differences in financial behaviors between cohabiting parent families and other families.

Compared to married couples, those who lived together spent less on health care and education and more on housing. This may be because cohabiting couples surveyed were younger, less educated, less likely to own their own homes, and had less earned income than married couples.

In addition, cohabiting couples were more likely to spend more on alcohol and tobacco than any other family type. The researchers could not actually determine whether cohabitors drank and smoked more, or whether they just bought more expensive products. The researchers question why cohabiting parent families seem to spend more on these adult goods and less on child-related goods, such as education. Different expectations, values, and lifestyle preferences may all contribute to spending motives that may be detrimental to child wellness, a concern in the growing discussion about cohabitation and families (DeLeire & Kalis, 2005).

Adults with Kids at Home Eat More Fat

When my children were young, and as a working mom, I often sought the foods that I could put on the table quickly and without hearing the dreaded, “Ewwww… do I have to eat THAT?!” I also loaded my pantry with those easy-to-distribute and “fun” to eat pre-packaged snacks that were easy to throw in a backpack, lunch box, or that my children could grab when they got home from school.

Unfortunately, many of those foods are loaded with fat. Like so many other parents who make these same food choices for their children, that fat also ended up in my diet.

According to a study recently published in the Journal of the American Board of Family Medicine, adults who have young children at home are eating significantly more fat than those who live without children. Using data from the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey that included a national sample of almost 7,000 adults, researchers from the University of Iowa found that adults with children in their home consumed nearly 5 more grams of fat and 1.7 more grams of saturated fat every day – about the same as a slice of pepperoni pizza! Figure that amounts to eating a pizza a week!

They reported that “time pressures and constraints, children’s preferences for high fat, high sugar foods and parents’ perceptions of what children are likely to eat” lead parents to purchase more restaurant, ready-to-eat, or snack foods that are typically higher in fat content. And, when they are available, parents are more likely to eat these foods as well.

The researchers point out that while parents should be guiding what their children eat, instead the kids are influencing their parents’ diets. They recommend that parents seek healthier meal and snack options that will improve the diet of the entire family!

Healthy Snacking for Children

Every kid loves a good snack. Unfortunately, many parents think that all snacking is bad and leads to weight gain. Although this might be the case with snacking on cookies, chips, and candy all day, healthy snacking is an important component of a child's nutrition. Childhood is a time of rapid growth, and meeting the nutritional needs associated with normal development is critical to a child's well-being. Since children have much smaller stomachs than adults, healthy snacking helps to provide nutrients between meals in order to help them meet their daily nutritional needs. The key is learning how to make healthy snack choices and avoid consuming too many snacks that are high in added sugars and low in nutrients.


Healthy snack choices can provide children with some of the vitamins, minerals, proteins, and calories they need for growth, energy, and overall good health. In fact, healthy snacks can satisfy nutrient gaps and provide up to one quarter of a child's daily energy needs. Healthy snacking satisfies hunger between meals, improves concentration, and prevents overeating at mealtime.

Try to keep snack portions small and less than 250 calories. Small portions are especially important for those occasional snacks that contain lots of added sugars and are low in nutritional value.

Serve regular meals and snacks every three to four hours. Allowing adequate time between meals and snacks will ensure that children are not too full to eat their meals. Structured meals and snacks also will keep kids from eating out of boredom. Avoid using food as a reward or as way to calm an upset child to prevent emotional eating later on.

Buying snacks from a vending machine or grabbing a bag of chips or cookies is usually an unhealthy temptation for families on the go. Be prepared by having healthy snacks on hand to make it easier for your child to make smart snack choices.

The Importance of Play

Adults who watch children at play think of it as having fun, goofing off or getting rid of extra energy. Yet play is actually how children learn and is essential to their healthy cognitive, social and physical development.


Play stimulates every aspect of a child’s development. Motor skills such as walking, kicking, or skipping are strengthened by sliding and running, by jumping rope, or playing ball. Children develop their fine motor skills and hand eye coordination with art work such as finger painting and coloring.

They build their thinking skills with games that require strategy and planning to reach a goal, making choices, or solving problems such as board games, puzzles, and models. Even making mud pies teaches children about measuring and mixing.

Playing with other children also helps youngsters develop social and interpersonal skills as they take turns, share their toys, and work as a team. Plus, they have the added benefit of the sheer joy of being with a friend. Play helps children develop confidence as they learn new things. What parent can forget a child’s look of pride as he or she finally masters a task?

Playing with your child can also build your relationship as you both enjoy each other’s company and have fun together. As adults, we often forget that we, too, still have permission to play. Play is what childhood is all about, so give children reasonable freedom to explore, provide interesting play things and play together often. So go ahead, get that Cootie game out, put your skates on, or play ball with your kids today.

Breakfast and School Performance

A very important component of your child’s school success is breakfast. In the morning, energy levels are low and need to be kick-started. Healthy breakfast foods help replenish these energy levels and provide nutrients, like calcium and iron, that often are low in children’s diets.

Eating breakfast increases cognitive performance in children, especially tasks that involve processing complex thoughts. Other benefits of breakfast include the increased ability to concentrate, stay alert, solve problems, and memorize. Some studies have linked a good breakfast to better moods and improved performance on tests.

A healthy breakfast should consists of whole-grain bread or cereal combined with a calcium and protein source, such as low fat or fat-free milk, yogurt or cheese. A piece of fresh fruit is a good way to round out the meal.

Consider the atmosphere in which your children eat their breakfast, too. Do they have enough time to sit and eat what you or they have prepared or do they feel rushed? Planning enough time for a sit down breakfast is a great way to start the day at a low stress level.

It may take some planning ahead to make a healthy breakfast part of your child’s morning routine, but it can yield benefits related to academic performance as well as nutritional status and health. And that is certainly worth the effort.

Hillsborough County school children are provided a free breakfast, so if your morning routine just doesn’t allow breakfast at home, be sure your child gets to school in time for breakfast in the cafeteria.

Teaching Teens about Money

In 2002 teens spent over 170 billion dollars - an increase of almost 40% in five years. Nearly 50% of today’s college students have four or more credit cards. I remember when my oldest child got her first job. She was barely 16 years old, but the credit card offers came pouring in! Although teens are controlling more and more money, studies have shown they have less and less financial understanding. How can we help our teens be more money smart?


University of Florida researchers recommend that parents introduce pre-teens between the ages of 9 and 12 to spending plans, savings and bank accounts. A teen’s income sources might include allowances, gift and/or employment. If you chose to give an allowance to your kids, determine the amount of an allowance they will receive based on how much her or she actually needs for school or other expenses, and how much the teen can spend as he or she chooses.

Encourage them to open a savings or checking account to begin managing their own money. Once teens have experience managing a checking account, they should be introduced to debit cards or pre-paid checking cards. They gradually become ready for credit cards. As a parent, we need to teach them to keep track of their purchases and to pay off balances each month.

Begin planning for the future with 16 to 18 years olds. Explain taxes and other with-holding that appear on their paychecks. Also, encourage them to open an investment account, placing whatever money they can into the account each pay period. By teaching financial dos and don’ts at an early age, researchers say we can reverse the trend of over-extended college students and personal bankruptcies later in life.

Understanding Your Child's Temperament

When a second or third child is born, many parents immediately know that everything they thought they had figured out about parenting had just gone out the window. While siblings come from the same parents and environment, there is often little about each of their personalities that are in common. Each child has a different temperament and every parent learns this quickly. Learning about their temperaments and how to manage children’s differences can be quite an adventure.

All children are born with their own style of interacting with or responding to the world. In a groundbreaking study in the 1950’s, researchers identified nine temperament characteristics, or behavior traits, that clinicians and researchers continue to use today. The researchers found that these nine traits were present at birth and continued to influence development throughout life.

The nine temperament traits include a child’s activity level, their rhythm or lack of rhythm in sleeping and eating habits, and approach or withdrawal (for example, does the child shy away from new people or make friends with every stranger). Three additional temperament traits include adaptability, intensity, and a child’s typical mood.

A child’s persistence and attention span are also examined for temperament, as well as their sensory threshold, or their ability or inability to tolerate external stimuli, such as loud noises or bright lights. The final trait is distractibility; the child’s ability to shut out external distractions and stay with an activity.

As parents understand and embrace their children’s temperaments, they usually have better responses to their children, hopefully making the adventure of parenthood a more pleasant ride. More on temperament to follow on another day.

Harry Potter- Good for Reading

Are you excited about the new Harry Potter movie? I am, but I usually read the books before I allow myself to see the movie. I’m a little behind on Deathly Hallows.

When you think of celebrities that are household names, you’re not likely to think of a fictional character – yet Harry Potter has certainly earned that distinction. And while the Harry Potter books and movies have catapulted to record-breaking success, even amid controversy, these books have also had another extraordinary effect on our youth. Harry Potter has stimulated an interest in reading among older children.

In a recent study conducted by the research firm Yankelovich and Scholastic Educational Publishers, children and their parents credited the Harry Potter series with getting more young people to read for fun and with helping them do better in school. Just more than half of the children between the ages of 5 and 17 claimed that they didn’t read books for fun before reading Harry Potter, and 65% reported they have been doing better in school since they started reading the Potter books.

Their parents were a little more enthusiastic, with 89% reporting their children showing an improved attitude toward reading, and 76% believing their children are doing better in school since starting to read the Potter books.

In the Kids and Family Reading Report, the researchers found that older children claimed that they don’t read for fun because they can’t find books that interest them. However, the Harry Potter books have garnered interest along all ages and have given many families books to enjoy together. This leads to improved attitudes toward reading.

Perhaps the magic of Harry Potter was equally powerful outside of the story, as the study shows that parents who want their children and teens to read may have found a spellbinding solution. Now I need to go find my daughter’s latest copy of Harry Potter!

Children and Lying

What child hasn't helped himself to the cookie jar and denied doing it? Parents usually feel upset when they notice their child lying. But before we brand a child “a liar,” we need to consider the child’s developmental stage and the motives behind the lying.

Preschool children don’t understand the concepts “lying” and “telling the truth.” They also may “exaggerate” because they have trouble separating wish from reality. A child may say, “I am the smartest kid ever.” Adults need to understand what the statement means to the child - that she is confident in her abilities and values intelligence. This doesn’t mean she’s a liar.

Around the age of four, children can start to tell the difference between lies and truth and between wrong and right. This doesn’t mean they won’t tell an untruth, though!

Children lie for the same reasons adults do; to avoid getting in trouble, to feel powerful, to take advantage of a situation, to keep a secret, or to help a friend. By ages five or six, a child can tell whether a listener believes a lie or not. Between seven and eight years of age, they understand that not only what they say, but their motives behind what is said can be judged. At ten to eleven years of age children can lie successfully.

What can parents do? Leading by example is key. Children need to depend on adults to tell the truth. A recent survey, however, found adults admitted to lying more than ten time a week.

Also, when you find your child is lying don’t be quick to anger. Take time to calm down before dealing with the lie. Find out the message of and the motive behind the lie. Explain the consequences of lying and use consequences to help your child develop his or her conscience. Have you ever told your child a lie? What was it and for what reason?

Children and Chores

Children who have regular household chores not only help keep the family home running smoothly, but also learn responsibility and the skills they will need for their own homes. There are several steps parents can take to make the process work for everyone.

First, make chores part of the child’s routine so that their jobs are done at regular times. A chart or list of chores can help children remember, and so can a simple reminder like, “It’s trash time.” Teach the child how to do the job by first showing and explain how it’s done, let them try while you watch, then let them do it on their own.

Experts advise parents to start early in assigning children their own chores based on what they can safely do at certain ages. Even a 3-year-old can help set the table. Older children can vacuum, help prepare dinner, load the dishwasher and run the washer and dryer. Don’t underestimate your children. The same child who runs a complicated computer game can certainly manage the washer and dryer!

Accessing Your Child's Readiness for Self Care

During your child's school years, you will eventually consider the possibility of your child caring for him or herself instead of being cared for by others. Many children take care of themselves after school, in the evening, on weekends, or during school vacations - whenever a parent or other adult cannot be home with them. It is estimated that a quarter of our children care for themselves after school. Of course all children will eventually have to take care of themselves as part of their maturing process.

I often get asked at what age is a child allowed to stay at home alone for a few hours. There actually is no "legal" age set in Hillsborough County for this. It depends on many factors, including the child's maturity level and safety of the neighborhood. There is simply no magic age at which children develop the maturity (and good sense) needed to stay alone.

Your own feelings as a parent are also important in making this decision. Do you feel comfortable with your child staying alone? Are you ready to give your child more independence and freedom? Has your child earned more freedom? Are you confident that your child will be safe and will make wise choices while home alone? Will you feel good about your child's care?

For more information on how to prepare your child for self care, see our publication "Home Alone: Children in Self Care" at http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/pdffiles/FY/FY64700.pdf

At what age do you think your child was (or will be) ready for self care?

US Math Scores Not Keeping Up Globally

One of the greatest parenting challenges I experienced when my children were younger was helping them with math homework. Many parents like me have heard their children say, “but why do I need to know this? I’m never going to USE it!”

If you need help, Drexel University’s mathforum.org has numerous links that can help you answer that question for your children as they can see the use of math in daily tasks, in numerous career opportunities, even in art. And, if indeed math skills are necessary for our children to compete in a global economy, much less the local job market, recent research funded by the Department of Education might have parents concerned.

According to the report from the American Institutes for Research, U.S. math students are consistently performing below their peers when compared to 11 other industrialized nations including Australia, Japan and the Russian Federation. The study assessed students in grades 4 and 8 as well as 15-year-olds. The students ranked 8th or 9th out of twelve at all three grade levels.

The study also found that students who score well on higher level skills such as mathematical reasoning, also perform better on lower level skills. Compared to other countries, U.S. students didn’t score well on questions at either skill level. While educators are looking at solutions for U.S. math students, parents may also consider how they can help the next time their child asks for help with math homework.

Source:

www.air.org/news/documents/release200511math.htm

“Reassessing U.S. International Mathematics Performance: New Findings from the 2003 TIMSS and PISA,” U.S. Department of Education Policy and Program Studies Service (PPSS); Prepared by American Institutes for Research.® (2005). Retrieved from http://www.air.org/news/documents/TIMSS_PISA%20math%20study.pdf on 01/10/06.

Channeling Your Child's Creativity

Curiosity is a wonderful, inborn gift that seems to be at its peak during the preschool years. Curiosity promoted learning, but it can frustrate parents. Curiosity killed the cat and it can also put children in dangerous situations. So how do you handle the good and bad of curiosity? You can catch yourself when you say “No” or otherwise correct your child for something. Write down the behaviors you have corrected. Keep a list for a few days.

For example, several times you had to tell your preschooler not to move the kitchen chair to the sink. When you hear the chair you come running and yelling, “No.” The child may think he is being punished for being curious, for wanting to learn. Remember, he doesn’t know the danger of moving the chair to the sink and climbing on it. He doesn’t understand the mess that might occur if he slops around the sink, or how he might be hurt if he fell. He doesn’t understand the danger involved if he decides instead to pull the chair up to the stove. He just wants to see what’s going on.

Children need to be able to safely explore and develop their curiosity. That’s a big part of wanting to learn. Expect him to want to explore. Each day you might let your child move the chair and do some activity at the sink with your supervision. Tell the child, however, that he may only move the chair when you are with him or when it is time – that special sink time. This rule will allow the child to meet his needs and you to meet yours.

As you notice the activities you have kept off-limits to your child, consider if such a compromise could work. With adult supervision, preschoolers can learn to do thing that would otherwise be dangerous or destructive. Curiosity is necessary for learning. The last thing any of us parents would want to see is our children just sitting around, content to watch the word go by without them! How can you channel your child’s creativity this week?

Arguing in Front of Children

No family is an oasis of peace and harmony. In fact, all families have disagreements and arguments from time to time. As a parent, you may have asked yourself if it’s appropriate to argue in front of the children. Some experts caution that children might feel anxious when their parents disagree, which results in tension and uneasiness within the family. They contend that children need the security of feeling that their parents are a unified pair.

Dr. Gregory Ramey, child psychologist at Dayton Children’s Medical Center, suggests that this “protectionistic” view underestimates children’s resiliency. Ramey explains that children already know that their parents have different points of view and that arguing in front of children may be beneficial. He states, “Children and teens deal with disagreements all the time. Watching their parents argue and resolve issues teaches them a great lesson about how to deal with the real world.”

A few cautions to keep in mind about arguing in front of the children - steer clear of certain topics, depending on the ages of your children. Also, don’t make arguing a routine or argue over and over about the same topics without ever reaching a solution. Talk in a courteous manner and have a compromising attitude. Never use physical force. Avoid name-calling. If one of you is too angry to fight fairly, stop the discussion and agree to pick it back up when you are both calm. Then, listen effectively to each other, clarify what you are hearing and work towards a “win-win” situation.

Parental arguments can teach children that people who love each other can also disagree about issues, and yet eventually come to some resolution.

Teaching Children about Money

In today’s society where the consumer is king, at what point do we address the spending habits of our children? Few schools offer financial education, but parents can teach their children about the importance of sound money management.

University of Florida researchers say children should be introduced to the concept of money between the ages of three and five. Have children handle money so they can see and understand it. Begin teaching them that two nickels equal a dime, five nickels equal a quarter, and more.

Children should not have allowances until the ages of six to eight. Researchers say the amount of an allowance should be based on maturity of the child and the budget of the family. Also, do not tie the allowance to household chores. Instead, offer children money in addition to their allowance for completing extra, age-appropriate activities around the home such as cleaning the garage or mowing the lawn.

During the pre-teen years, parents should help children develop a spending plan. Teach them how to save and spend allowances based on their plan. This is also a good time to open a savings account and show children that a dollar deposited today will be worth more in a year. They can begin to understand risks and rewards related to saving and investing.

Introducing children to money at an early age can help increase financial understanding, making the transition into teen years (when they will have control of their own money) easier.